simple words and long stories

i always hope to be writing something because it is the only true thing that i can imagine that i will continue doing for as long as possible. this can be looked at a yearly wrap-up or a post in a blog that won't receive more than five posts. i haven't been able to keep up with one or been able to keep writing for a long enough period of time to satisfy my nostalgia. livejournal, hiplog, .mac, all done, deleted or just abandoned. i feel as though i have all of the greatest hopes for my writing but i am left with nothing to write about. there is no passion in anything that i write. but i have an idea...a potentially abandoned one already, but it is an idea nonetheless. i want to finally write about all of my insecurities, all of my life experiences, my real dreams and my constant potential to fuck up anything good that i have. i haven't decided how exactly to go about that but i just hope it flows instead of feeling forced but like everything else...ahh i don't know. today isn't just a day of motivation, it's crap. my life is so up in the air. i am really sick of having no control of myself and there is probably so much more i can be doing for myself. i work at starbucks and i know that i want to advance in the company and i know that i will. that is not enough for me. i am going to live with my girlfriend and eventually have her be my wife. i living at my best friend's parents expense right now and then i will be living at my girlfriend's expense because right now my job pays shit. sometimes i think i would be happier alone and at no one's expense. this is a constant problem with my mental state. and today i got sick of everything. i got sick of reading, i got sick of games, i just am sick of myself. i feel so self-pitying and craptacular. wooohhoooo. horray for shite.