i am beginning to find out where my alliances lie at my job. i am on the wrong side of the tracks heading for a big collision and i do not really want to be there to find out the outcome. my manager (whom i originally got along amazingly with) is now making me feel alienated (and i am not sure if it is her intention). i have always had complaints about the politics of working for starbucks but this is reaching a new plateau. i feel as though i am on the verge of panic attacks and it used to be that i just got upset and was able to push it aside. i am feeling pretty helpless because my aforementioned manager basically brushed aside my worries and attributed them to occasions that always take place. she told me there was nothing i could do and left my head swimming. i cannot honestly say how much of an issue it was though because the person i was complaining about was her...umm..."pet". well, if what i heard was true, there will be a good many people leaving my job and she will be one of those.
now i am to be promoted when my manager returns from her vacation and i am eager to see the outcome of what are likely to be another set of politics, rules and regulations (according to her).
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
i am stuck contemplating how much of a disappointment i may or may not be to my parents. my parents and i obviously fall on different belief systems and have different definitions of what merits a meaningful existence. for all intents and purposes i think that they believe that i could do better with my life and they would rather i did that sooner rather than later. i believe and always have believed, even if it was in a roundabout way, that if you are not enjoying what you are doing then there is no good reason to continue doing it. as i mentioned before, though they have accepted it to the best of their ability, they are not ecstatic with all of my personal choices (or any of them). but coming around to why i found myself contemplating this is that my brother andy has been cutting school every single day. he is going to repeat the ninth grade and if history repeats itself then he will drop out, as ben did. but i found myself wondering if i was just the cause of it all because i decided that college was not for me at the moment anymore. should i be more distraught with myself? have i really done something so wrong? does everyone look down at me with judgment and disdain? i know a few who might but i think those who want me to be who i am do not.